A favor etiquette guide for anyone who asks, and every leader who does.
Messy & Driven · Oct 7, 2026 · @wendy
An email landed in my inbox asking for career guidance and mentorship on how to start a business. This is my jam. I was genuinely excited to sit down and talk.
We set a time. They couldn’t make it, the meeting was cancelled, and the day I’d arranged around it fell apart. We rescheduled, with no “I’m sorry” and no “thank you for being flexible.”
When we finally met, it became clear what they really wanted: to hear how I could move them ahead of the process. What they didn’t want to hear about was the hard work involved in every single step. That was exactly what I had to give them.
And then, nothing. No thank-you email. No follow-up. Not a word until I ran into them at a meeting.
I’m still left wondering: did I help, or did I waste my time?
Here’s the thing. Almost every day, someone asks me for a favor by text, email, or phone, and I love it. I love being needed and being able to help. But stories like this one have me ready to send an etiquette guide with every yes.
So pull up a chair in my living room. And know that I’m writing this for all of us, myself included, the next time I’m the one asking.
The Favor Etiquette Guide
Nine rules, in the order a favor actually happens.
Before you ask
1. Remind me how we know each other. So many people, over so many years. I want to help you, but first I need to place you. One line does it: where we met, who connected us, what we worked on.
2. Explain the situation, in detail. “Can you call me?” is not a situation. Tell me what’s going on, what you’ve already tried, and what’s at stake.
3. Make the ask specific, and make no an easy answer. An introduction? A reference? Twenty minutes of advice? “Pick your brain” is not an ask. Name the thing, then give me an easy out, because permission to say no makes yes a lot easier.
4. Do the legwork for me. Asking for an introduction? Write the email I can forward: who you are, what you want, and why this person. Hand me that and your favor takes two minutes instead of sitting in my inbox for two weeks.
While I’m helping
5. Want the real answer, not the shortcut. If you ask for advice, be ready to hear it. My would-be entrepreneur wanted a way around the process, and there isn’t one. I can open doors, but I can’t skip you past the work. Nobody can.
The hard work in every step is the advice. It’s the most valuable thing I can give you.
6. Respect my time. Last-minute favors are the worst. If you need it Friday, ask me Monday, not Thursday at 10 p.m.
Your crisis can’t be mine.
And if we’ve booked time and you can’t make it, tell me early and say you’re sorry. I moved my day around for you.
7. Take extremely good care of my people. If I go out on a limb and introduce you to one of my precious clients, you are carrying my name into that room. Be prepared, be on time, be gracious. A bad impression doesn’t just reflect on you. It reflects on me.
After
8. Close the loop. I always follow up, and I expect the same. Even “Got it, thank you, I’ll let you know how it goes” counts. Don’t let me find out how it turned out by running into you at a meeting.
9. Be grateful for the process, not just the outcome. Sometimes the intro doesn’t turn into a deal. Sometimes the advice isn’t what you hoped to hear. Thank me anyway, for the time and the thought, because a thank-you note is how I know I helped and didn’t waste my time.
Now flip it: how your team hears your asks
Every rule on this list applies inside your organization, with one big difference. Your team can’t always say no.
When you drop an “urgent” request at 4 p.m. on Friday, they hear “your crisis is now mine.” When you ask for “a quick look” with no context, they play detective. When they deliver and you go quiet, they’re left wondering exactly what I wondered: did that matter?
Before your next ask, run it through the list. Do they have the context and a specific ask? Is the deadline real, and can they push back on it? And when it’s done, do they hear back from you, with a thank-you?
The door is still open
None of this means I’m done helping. My living room is open, and I’ll keep picking up the phone. A favor is a deposit in a relationship, and the way you ask decides whether I can make the next one.
Ask well, and you’re not just getting a yes. You’re making it easy for me to say yes again.
And if you recognize yourself in my story, a thank-you note is never too late.
What’s your favor pet peeve? Hit reply and tell me.
Let’s get down to business,
Wendy
